Non-Ivy grad thinks he's people

Washington, VA.

Wide-eyed poor Dixon Hans has been seen talking in the direction of Harvard graduates Vernor Winfield MacBriare Smith IV, Sir Reginald Dickington, Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr., Brighton Pussy-bitch-ass, and Hareld Fucksface.

"I'm a recent graduate of U of A working as a SRE at [Company] and I'm very excited to be attending a seminar where I am surrounded by so many intelligent and talented people," said a hopeful Hans, blissfully unaware of his status as a non-person. "I am excited to make connections, learn from my peers, and potentially even contribute some of my own learnings back into the community."

Below is a first hand account of the event, as recounted by an anonymous eye witness:

Upon receipt of a misguided, friendly greeting from Hans, Smith IV shoots an ostensibly surreptitious, yet practically performative, side-glance to Sir Dickington. Sir Dickington simply returns a knowing smirk; one evoking equal parts amusement and disgust at the sight and, in fact, the very notion of Dixon Hans' minimal existence.

"Hi! I'm Dixon, I work for [Company] as a site reliability engineer. How are you all today? I really enjoyed your talk on uptime", says the woefully unbecoming Hans as he addresses a disaffected Pussy-bitch-ass. The group collectively gives Hans a look of dismissive indifference for the repeat offense. "My expertise is in availability. I'd love to explore the possibility of connecting and working together professionally on a future talk." Collectively, as a single entity, the group turns their backs to a simple, smiling Hans. "Oh I see, I didn't mean to intrude. I'll catch up with you later!" offers the socially incapable Hans.

Hans proceeds out of the lecture hall, thinking feeble fantasies of a world where his value would be equal to even a non-zero fraction of the group he now perceives as business acquaintances.

"Did you see it? I believe it thought it was people," exhaled a bemused Fucksface after bated breath. "Charming," allowed a tickled Broadus Jr, "that he should even attempt eye contact, no?"

"Quite," adds Smith IV.

When reached for comment, each Vernor Winfield MacBriare Smith IV, Reginald Dickington, Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr., Brighton Pussybitchass, and Hareld Fucksface declined to look in our direction.